This quote from Jeannette McCurdy’s memoir “I’m Glad My Mom Died.”
Recovery so far is, in some ways, as difficult as the bulumic/alcoholi-ridden years, but difficult in a different way because I’m facing my issues for the first time instead of burying them with eating disorders and substances. I’m processing not only the grief of my mom’s death, but the grief of a childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood that I feel I had never truly been able to live for myself. It’s difficult, but it’s the kind of difficult I have pride in.
In addition, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fu*k” follows suit.
Only a tiny bit in and it’s already reinforced an idea I’ve long told myself when I stop and laugh about my chaotic life.
I’ll take busy and chaotic over bored or lonely any day!
This idea, to be choosey with what problems we are willing to have is what Mark Manson stresses right off the bat.
We will always have problems and suffering. The key is having the right problems for you.
True happiness occurs only when you find the problems you enjoy having and enjoy solving.
Mark Manson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fu*k
This leads me to self-reflect on my life.
It helps me justify the problems I have always tended to create for myself.
For example, I don’t have time to sing in a band. But I did it anyway throw all three of my pregnancies, through the pumping and the full time job. I don’t have time to work out everyday, but I simply prefer the problem of the stress it puts on my schedule to the problem of daily feelings of anxiety and irritability that come when I don’t. I don’t have time to maintain a blog, but I know why I’m drawn to it.
Mark Manson
I once heard an artist say that when a
person has no problems, the mind
automatically finds a way to invent
some. I think what most people—especially educated, pampered middleclass white people—consider “life
problems” are really just side effects of
not having anything more important to
worry about.
It then follows that finding something
important and meaningful in your life is
perhaps the most productive use of your
time and energy. Because if you don’t
find that meaningful something, your
fucks will be given to meaningless and
frivolous causes.
to keep working to solve (For the sake of happiness), and tweak the ones I want to alter.
I have this constant desire to move to a different house, or alter our own house. But my conflict really is in whether I should have the problems that come with a small space with neighbors with big personalities in close proxm=imity, or woudl I prefer to have the problem of less expendible money. It is a conflict I’m not sure on yet. The current problem I’m trying to solev if you will.
Another one constantly on my mind since I had my third child 5 years ago. I still wholeheartedly believe I want the problem of another child. I realize I like the problems that come with a newborn. Those problems are so all encompassing and exhausting that they truly diminish all others, and I think that’s truly why I crave one. I prefer the problem of being so busy with balancing a lot of children, to and from playdates and practices, or even just to cross our busy street, to fretting over materialistic and made-up problems such as whether people like me or not.
I enjoy working to solve the problem of maintaining financial health at the sake of traveling. I would take money problems over missing out on travel any day.
This suddenly brings clarity to a problem I’ve been reflecting on for a long time now – the bedtime routine with my 7 and 5b year old. I’ve often thought, I’m doing more damage by yelling at them to go to sleep at night, then I am when I just answer their dozens of questions, let them read just one more book, let them talk to each other until they fall asleep, or when I lie their until they drift asleep. So which problem would I rather have? The one that comes with children who learn to communicate frustrations through yelling, or the one that puts me at an inconvenience at the end of the night?
And the problem with my mornings. After reading THe 5am Club I committed to waking up before my early rising 8 year old so that I could have what he refers to as the Victory Hour. It brings on the problem of me having to go to bed earlier, and jump out of bed before pressing snooze, but solved the less desirable problem of starting my, and my kids day, groggy and stressed. This very much feels like what Manson refers to as actions leading to happiness:
The secret sauce is in the solving of the
problems, not in not having problems in
the first place.
To be happy we need something to
solve. Happiness is therefore a form of
action;
It is very empowering.
And we all have our own preferences for problems. The key is in discovering your own, as mine only make sense to me.
So my advice to you; stew on what problems you want, and make choices to make those happen.
I’ve done a lot of nonfiction reading this summer and I don’t plan to stop anytime soon. And this one phrase just stopped me in my tracks and gave me a whole new outlook on life.
I’m excited to read on and share more insight!