“Embracing discomfort” (i.e. being present with negative feelings and experiences and even using them to our advantage) has felt like a sort of life hack lately.
I owe the discovery of this new trick to time I’ve spent reading and reflecting (in place of writing because, hey, there are only so many hours in a day).
What Does Embracing Discomfort Actually Mean?
It means being present with the knowledge that something is uncomfortable. In acknowledging that it is there we are allowing ourselves to be separate from it.
I always thought discomfort – be it emotional or physical pain, or any general un-wellness, was just bad. That the goal should always be to rid ourselves of it. I never would have thought that accepting pain was key.
But our emotions serve a purpose. If we don’t calmly and purposely identify them we impulsively do. When we accept the discomfort in given moments we give ourselves time to make a choice about what to do with them.
In short, because pain is a part of the human experience. You might as well embrace it.
Dr. Carissa Gustafson, PsyD., Acceptance & Commitment Therapy in 7 Weeks
The practice has made me feel like I’ve cracked some code.
It has given me moments of strength and growth that I’ve never felt before.
Here’s how.
I’m Breaking Bad [Habits]
It was only in realizing some of my worst habits arose from discomfort was I able to start knocking them.
…if you can excel at being present with your difficult experiences, it decreases your reliance on addictive behaviors or “quick fixes” and allows you more freedom to work toward building a life of purpose, meaning, and fulfillment.”
Dr. Carissa Gustafson, PsyD., Acceptance & Commitment Therapy in 7 Weeks
I have a recurring difficult experience, or regular discomfort. One that I would try to get rid of, to self-soothe, with a bad habit.
This happened almost every weekday evening. An uncomfortable feeling rushed in when the kids were settled in front of the TV, all the lunches were made, and my work was done for the day. A miniature sense of empty nest syndrome ensued (i.e. not sure what to do with myself when the dust settled). I realized I was just bored.
Bored?! Really? How could I ever be bored with so much to do?
But when I take a step back to self-reflect at night, boredom truly is the ill feeling that leads to some of my worst habits.
When my brain wants it to go away it reaches for alcohol, snacks, compulsive decluttering, or online shopping. These things aren’t innately bad, but when they are overdone they can keep me from my values of good health and being present with loved ones.
Actively noticing my discomfort grants me time to choose to sit peacefully with it or to find a boredom-erasing activity that doesn’t go against my values.
Do I give into the bad habits some days? Of course! But at least it is on my terms.
What Doesn’t Kill Me Is Making Me Stronger
Embracing discomfort is helping me accomplish great feats of physical endurance.
Here, I’m talking about accepting pain during a tough workout. I talked recently about the exercise motivators I’ve used throughout the years here. This is another one.
I read an interview with Olympic runner Molly Seidel. In the GQ interview by Clay Skipper Seidel explained how athletes, despite years of training, never get to a point where the task is easy. Instead, they just get good at accepting pain throughout the moment. She says,
It’s just learning to stay mentally strong when it sucks…That can be the biggest breakthrough for people: being able to just make peace with being uncomfortable and hold that.
This made all sorts of sense to me. It’s what yoga pushes us to do.
In the CrossFit world, the joke is that it never gets easier. You put in the work, you watch yourself get stronger, you feel yourself get faster, but you always feel like it just sucked.
Applying the mentality of accepting pain helps me tune into the physicality of the workout and do more than I ever thought I could.
In particularly difficult workout moments I pull in all sorts of words to help with embracing discomfort. Telling myself “I am in a state of suffering right now” lets my thinking brain know that I acknowledge it.
We can do hard things.
Glennon Doyle
Personalizing Glennon Doyle’s words over and over again, “I can do hard things. I can be in pain” helps me accept and move on.
Reminding ourselves that momentary discomfort is just that – momentary – can really help us awaken our physical potential.
It’s Letting My True Colors Shine Through
Letting our true colors shine through means hushing our thinking selves enough to share the talents we’ve been given.
When my husband threw me up on stage recently at a friends party I felt immediate fear. As always, I still wanted to go up and sing. I love to sing. But I wanted to enjoy it too. So I put my new life hack to use.
Embracing the discomfort of fear allowed my brain to move on to enjoyment. It allowed me to feel the joys I feel when I sing – the feeling of the words rolling off my tongue, the empathy of the artist who wrote the song, engaging with the audience who is enjoying the music.
Joy does not come from what you do, it flows into what you do and thus into this world from deep within you.
Eckhard Tolle, A New Earth
The joy we wish to spread cannot be shared if it is being blocked by negative thinking.
No matter how many performances I have done, I will still feel some sort of stage fright. And no matter how many essays I write, I will always feel a sense of discomfort in hitting the publish button.
Embracing discomfort lets us acknowledge the thoughts or emotions so that they don’t stop us from sharing and spreading joy.
I’m Not Angry Anymore (Well Sometimes I Am)
I’m on a mission to tame my outward anger. I say “outward” because being angry is okay, just as experiencing any emotion is. Emotions serve a purpose.
In acknowledging this emotion I can give myself time to find it’s purpose. I can respond to anger instead of release it.
Embracing discomfort when it comes to tough emotions means noticing the physical sensations that arise.
There’s something about not being able to complete a single task when the kids are near that gets my heart pounding.
Noticing the tightness in my chest with any general lack of control as a parent now triggers me to take a deep breath and ask myself what’s really bothering me.
God teaches the soul by pains and obstacles, not by ideas.
Jean-Pierre de Caussade, The Catholic Mom’s Prayer Companion
When I think of things not going my way as obstacles, it makes it feel less personal, and thus easier to learn from.
Lastly, I’m Saying What I Need To Say
I love these lyrics because it reminds me to not shy away from what I need to say, no matter how uncomfortable, in order to stay true to my values.
Summer ended and it was back to work. Within the first couple weeks of school I was involved in a meeting with someone many of us find intimidating to talk in front of.
I at first feared the worst. So I put my trick to use. I told myself, “I am feeling fear.” “I am in a state of discomfort.” This immediately allowed me to speak out what was needed in order to support the team.
Telling the discomfort that we hear it allows us to speak from a calm place instead of an emotional one. There is a time and a place for expressing emotions of course, but acknowledging them in our head first allows us to speak clearly and purposefully.
Overall, Embracing Discomfort Leads to a Values-Driven Life that Helps You Get Your Shine On
Accepting that negative thoughts and feelings are just a part of life can allow us to move forward with working towards our values.
If I let my fear of pain keep me from showing up to workouts I wouldn’t be working towards my value of maintaining good physical health.
When I let a sense of anxiety keep me from speaking truthfully to others the relationship is strained.
Just as if I let the discomfort of stage fright keep me from sharing my talents, I wouldn’t be within my value of sharing for the sake of spreading joy.
Embracing discomfort allows us to accept and move on so what is meant to shine through us will shine through.