Every so often I get a wave of discomfort that causes me to dead stop the things that are personally difficult for me – sharing my writing, posting anything online, singing on a stage, athletic competitions, to name a few.
My inner dialogue goes something like these lines from one of my favorite Netflix shows:
And yeah, I’m still afraid that if I show everyone my real self, the wrong people will make fun of me.”
“But it’s the only way for the right people to see me.”
Insecure
I can say that pretty much everything scares me. In addition, I say yes to trying almost everything. So if you do the math, I truly “do something that scares me” regularly.
I have practiced this “take a risk” mentality my whole life.
It has guided me to all my life’s scariest-turned-favorite moments. Saying yes to starting a business. Taking my 20-something broke self to Europe, Greece, Hong Kong, Caribbean islands. Despite a great fear of heights – hiking steep trail upon steep trail, learning to ski. Saying yes to athletic competitions when I want to say no. Joining a band, even though I almost pooped myself at the first audition.
But I can’t take all the credit. Like the cheerleader that it is, the universe has impeccable timing. It throws out words of encouragement to keep going when I am teetering on the fear side too much.
If you live with your ears and eyes open, the right message is sure to find you.
Here are some pretty great messages that have helped curb the constant fear I live with, that have shown up via old notes, or in everyday books, shows and podcasts.
Paris Hilton’s lessons learned
Know your worth, girls. You’re not lucky to be at the party; the party is lucky to have you. Apply as needed to relationships, jobs, and family.
Paris Hilton
I always thought of Paris Hilton as annoying (now knowing it was the media’s portrayal of her). But I borrowed the book that was offered to me anyway. And from the moment I opened it I couldn’t put it down. At the completion, I realized I stop myself from sharing from fear of being annoying too. But just as my thoughts of her changed from annoyance to awe, I realized the importance of taking charge of our own narrative.
This Brene Brown quote I had written in an old journal.
“To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen…Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?” just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, “I’m just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I’m alive…to believe that we’re enough. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, “I’m enough,” then we stop screaming and start listening, we’re kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we’re kinder and gentler to ourselves.”
In my journal `back then, I applied these words to my struggles with singing on stage. Imposter syndrome much? Middle child syndrome? I’m not sure, why but I felt, and still sometimes feel, completely uncomfortable up there. But I reflected on the words “let myself be seen.” Singing brings me the most joy so all I had to do was show that joy, thus spreading it.
Sometimes I think about how much work it is to do things that scare me – sing on stage, compete at CrossFit competitions, share thoughts online. I think why don’t I just scale back and not do these things that seem to cause so much strife?
Because doing them can be hard at first, but without them there is lost potential for personal and shared joy.
It ties right into what came out of this great read thrown at me this year.
Atomic Habits by James Clear.
Life rewards courage.
Atomic Habits
The reward always comes after the behavior. In other words, “keep your eyes on the prize.”
These words to Paxton Hall-Yoshida on Netflix’s Never Have I Ever
Intermittently while trying this writing gig, I waiver back and forth between being my autentic self and who I think people want to see. I waiver between being semi and fully vulnerable.
The online space can so easily make us forget about our own opinion of ourself and to drop who we are completely.
Analyzing Eminem’s words on the Chasing Excellence podcast.
“Eminem’s Lose Yourself” came on…when you listen to it what he’s saying is “I used to get so caught up in the outcome of being on stage. I used to think ‘what are they gonna think of me?’ I would get tongue-tied and I would freeze and I would not be able to do anything. I would throw up in mom’s spaghetti. And then he’s saying ‘lose yourself in the moment. Lose yourself in the music, in the moment.’ I think what he’s realizing, like as a performer, it’s a flow state. When you are not constantly wrapped up in what does [someone] think of me, am I gonna win, what are the results. You’re just doing it for the virtue of doing it the right way, and allowing your best to flow out of you.”
I love Eminem’s story and I definitely experience and want to experience as much as possible those moments of flow.
Taylor Swift’s documentary
But when you’re living for the approval of strangers and that is where you derive all of your joy and fulfillment, one bad thing can cause everything to crumble. It was all fueled by not feeling like I belonged there. I’m only here because I work hard and I’m nice to people. Where I was like, “I’m gonna prove myself.”
Miss Americana
For some reason Taylor Swift feeling this way just really validated my feelings on it all.
This We Can Do Hard Things podcast episode.
I think I’ve always been motivated by the sense of ” I can do hard things.” I’ve always taken chances, and besides skydiving and extremely spicy food, I am open to trying most everything once.
Sharing online is difficult.
As a writer, and a singer, and a small business owner, I feel it necessary to share, at least somewhat on social media. That’s where the people are. That’s where the promotion and the “advertising” and the sharing, sort of has to go.
It feels like the scariest of scary things because sharing what is essentially my diary online isn’t a “one and done” situation like hiking a super tall trail. And its done solo, almost like a musical performance without a band back up.
These words are a powerful reminder that even though our brain may be telling us “you can’t,” you actually “can” do that thing even if its hard.
This quote my fellow teacher had posted.
Writing means sharing. It’s part of the human condition to want to share things – thoughts, ideas, opinions.
Paulo Coelho
Sometimes I think, why share at all? Why not just keep my words within the confines of my faux leather journal? So I channel my inner Emerson or Thoreau and think about how they preached inner peace and solitude but still shared. (I do wonder how they would feel about this online world though).
So many from my autobiography/memoir reading kick…
Jeannette McCurdy’s words from her memoir
“I want to do good work. I want to do work I’m proud of. This matters to me on a deep, inherent level. I want to make a difference, or at least feel like I’m making a difference through my work. Without that feeling, that connection, the work feels pointless and vapid. I feel pointless and vapid.” (McCurdy, pg. 226).
Matthew Perry’s memoir
“…I sensed an awakening, that I was here for more than this big terrible thing. That I could help people, love them, because of how far down the scale I had gone, I had a story to tell, a story that could really help people. And helping others had become the answer for me.” (Perry, pg. 211).
I often wonder, why do we share our craft with others at all?
Why did writers like Thoreau and Emerson, who preached on the importance of alone time, share their thoughts with people?
Further, if Thoreau and Emerson had had social media platforms to share on, would they have? And if they did, would it stop them in their tracks periodically like it does to me?
People share to help others.
All the messages that popped up reinforced that I can and should keep doing scary things, and helped me stop only writing in the cozy cob web corner of my laptop, and right out into wide open spaces of the internet. For now anyway.
Which brings me back to Insecure:
